always make me feel guilty about not taking
care of my mother better...
How can I avoid feeling this guilt and sadness
and still be part of my dysfunctional family?"
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The Coach's View
Family get togethers, for many people can be
very stressful times - and whether they are
during the holidays, summer vacations or just
about any other occasion, they can be an
invitation to regress into the past and allow
past behaviors to be tolerated.
Family tradition can be a strong force for good
AND for upset.
The key is to take some control over how you
engage in these occasions and situations,
instead of letting them control you.
For example, I had a client who had family
reunions once a year and she was expected to make
a particular dish. It was expected that she would
make that dish according to her grandmother's
recipe even though she did not particularly enjoy
them.
She was also expected to have dinner with all her
in-laws at least one of the weekend nights, even
though she did not feel appreciated by them and
found their language offensive. And finally, she
was expected to bring flowers for the dining room
table and no one ever appreciated or approved of
the arrangement she brought.
The question you could ask yourself is do you
really have to do these things? Or have you just
chosen to do them because you were unwilling to
say "no"?
Why do things that make you miserable? Make a list
of the pros and cons of doing these things and
observe the answers you get. This should remind
you that you DO have a choice even though we
sometimes forget.
My coaching is to challenge your assumptions. What
would happen if you chose to do something differently?
If you chose not to make the expected dish but
requested that someone else make it? If you had an
arrangement delivered and did not personally attend
the in-laws dinner? They might be annoyed - and so
what? Could you make it up to them later by seeing
them individually throughout the year?
The key is to be conscious about what you're doing.
Don't unthinkingly do things the same way just because
that's how you always do them. If your old ways of
being aren't working, if they're not making you happy
and causing stress, it's time to do something different.
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